OUR WAY OVER-THOUGHT BACKSTORY:

Some scientists believe that for every possibility that exists, there exists a universe to house that possibility, implying that perhaps there are an infinite number of universes. I watch that show The Universe on the History Channel quite often. This means I watch too much TV. This also means that there exists somewhere a universe where in the next 5 seconds your computer will explode and turn into a T-Rex.

The Explosion Described Above Sans T-Rex

5..4..3..2..1. Ok, so you're not in that universe. Too bad. I heard that in that universe gravity works sideways and girls piss beer.

So with all these universes floating around, imagine all the different possibilities for World History. Somewhere Jesus never invents the pyramids, Kennedy never assassinates Lincoln, and there are no Pop Tarts. Not to mention all the times you died in gruesome and HILARIOUS ways.

If you happen to be wondering where The Deth Killers have been for the last few years, it's a long story. You might want to go to the bathroom now, because it's very long and very boring. We've been trapped inside a parallel universe and this is a transmission from that universe. Here we go on!

Inter-dimensional Transmission

It all started with Monica Lewinsky when we split off from you guys. You see there was this woman Catherine Marquis (St. Catherine of Bushwick for anyone with a DKMC calling card) who was among the candidates for Lewinsky's internship. Catherine was super hot and so of course Clinton chose her instead of Lewinsky to intern at the White House. He didn't stick it in Lewinsky's face cause he thought she was hot, he did it cause she was all there was to go around. Sorry, that's how dumb motorcycle guys talk about women in this universe. The three that are here don't seem to mind.

St. Catherine of Bushwick

So the President was all over her from the start, but Catherine, having a high level of integrity, dismissed the President's advances, insisting that their relationship was merely professional and nothing more. Needless to say the President was frustrated.

Because he failed to have a sexual relationship with his intern in OUR universe, there was no sex scandal. No sex scandal meant that he was never impeached as he was in your universe. Since he wasn't impeached, public sentiment swung enough in the direction of the Democrats in the 2000 presidential election resulting in Al Gore winning Florida, and the 2000 election.

This probably sounds great to you, but wait, there's more. President Gore paid very close attention to the intelligence regarding terrorist threats, and when intelligence came to him regarding Al-Qaeda's plan to use airliners as missles prior to 9/11/2001, his administration snapped into action, and rounded up a majority of the suspects as they tried to pass through security checkpoints at various airports around the country. The attacks of 9/11, as you know them, were totally foiled in our universe.

Great job, you're probably thinking. Well, let me continue. In our universe, the towers of the World Trade Center still stand. But Al-Qaeda wasn't quitting just yet. They regrouped and went underground, and several years later, in our year 2007, Al-Qaeda leaders managed to acquire a black market Chinese cyber-attack/nuke.

Wagon-wheel style Cyber-Attack

Because there were no terrorist attacks on 9/11 in our universe, border securty remained lax, and America's relationship with Islamic fundamentalism never grew into full-blooded fear. The Department of Homeland Security was never formed. Trying to win the war on xenophobia, the Arab terrorists smuggled this Chinese cyber-attack in a shipping container into New York City and detonated it.

Bad Side-effects of a Diet of Too Much High Fructose Corn Syrup

Since the Deth Killers were away that day on a business trip, with all our bikes and all our weapons, we came back to take complete control of the devastated city. In our universe, fallout from cyber-attacks make trees grow.

But now the economy of alternate universe New York is in trouble. Will you please help stimulate our economy by buying a t-shirt? And you thought the economy is bad in your universe!

This is why we are sending this transmission. Please help our New York. Since our economy is shit, we are reaching out to you, in hopes that you will buy some of our t-shirts.

Gold Dollar Signs rotating in space flanked by Pegasususususus

In our universe, we do not have social networks and youtube. Instead we tell our stories the way the ancients did, printed as gloriously detailed graphic t-shirts.

Our lives include daily battles on our Japanese sportbikes with enemies and the remnants of the NYPD and Confederate soldiers and of course, the Russians. We do stunts that you could never do there, like no-handed wheelies while shooting with both hands and doing backflips on our supermotos across the rooftops of Manhattan. We drag race bikes with magnetic wheels vertically up the World Trade Center and BASE jump when we reach the top. We indulge every outlaw bikers' fantasy of riding through supermarkets and delis taking all the beef jerky for ourselves.

Our t-shirts tell the story of our universe. It should be told as a video game, but like I said, we don't have any of that fancy technology so we tell our stories on t-shirts.

This series of t-shirts is called DES KIRAZ: VOLUME 1. Every time I try to say Deth Killers on this thing it always comes out Des Kiraz, so rather than fight it, we are just calling this collection Des Kiraz.

We hope you will enjoy wearing our stories. Please buy a t-shirt and help our economy. And think, if things hadn't worked out the way they did for you guys in your universe with President Bush and the wars and everything, you'd be living in a world where motorcycle gangs ran your life. It's great for us here, but it would no doubt suck for you. Count your blessings. Now please go and buy a soldier breakfast. Over and out...